The Space Alien Advertises: Situation Wanted

Your editor picked up the most recent edition of the Space Alien Gazette and noticed the following advertisement in the Classified Advertising section:

"Situation wanted:  Good looking, charismatic figure, currently underemployed, seeks position as mascot for a major (preferably Fortune 500) retailer.  Will travel at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light to attend your company parties, store openings, and children's events.  My picture on your store-brand products guaranteed to increase sales.  Let the Space Alien up YOUR revenues! Serious inquiries only."

"What IS this?" cried your editor as the Space Alien sauntered into the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.

"I just saw Jewel-Osco's new mascot, JOJO." said the Space Alien, pointing to  https://www.jewelosco.com/2017/06/jojos-club/ and printing part of it to show your editor.
(Note to Loyal Readers beyond the Chicago area: Jewel-Osco is a large grocery-drugstore chain mainly in Illinois, Indiana and Iowa).

Why wasn't the Space Alien chosen as the Jewel-Osco Mascot?

The Space Alien continued:  "I know I can do a LOT better than that for any company that wants to make me their mascot!  Lots of people think JOJO is pretty scary!  I think I'm a lot more relatable!"

"Well, you are, uh, unique," said your editor, "but we discourage Space Alien Gazette staff from advertising on our pages, and besides, you have a full time job here!"

"You mean you are going to pull my ad?" asked the Space Alien.

"Well, no," said your editor thoughtfully, "although I must take exception to your claim that you are underemployed.  Let's wait and see if any Fortune 500 retailers respond!"

The Space Alien agreed with your editor's "wait and see" proposal and retreated to a comfy nook at the nearest public library with stacks of ancient stories about Odysseus (Greek) or Ulysses (Latin), in which the cyclops Polyphemus, a malevolent giant with one eye in the middle of his forehead, overturned ships and dined on some of the sailors while sealing others in a cave for his future dining pleasure.   All in all it was not such a good time for this ancient crew and their leader.

Cyclops Seals Sailors
in Cave

Cyclops Overturns Ship

Here is a nice little video about this:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nv2d0-dRrHI
You can watch it in under two minutes, but the Space Alien suggests you not do so at bedtime as the Space Alien Gazette cannot be responsible for your nightmares.

You may learn more about this at:
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphemus

Serious classics scholars may learn even more at: http://www.theoi.com/Gigante/GigantePolyphemos.html

The Space Alien Gazette leaves loyal readers with this question:  Will "JOJO" overturn minivans and SUV's in Jewel-Osco parking lots to snack on grocery shoppers or seal them inside supermarkets?

The Space Alien wonders about this and will take appropriate precautions when shopping.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Breaking News -- July 15 2016:  Your editor, doing her weekly grocery shopping, noted with interest this sign on a subway entrance outside a brand new Jewel-Osco store at the corner of Clark and Division Streets in Chicago.

JOJO lures Customers at a Subway Stop
near a Jewel-Osco store in Chicago

Would JOJO eat some subway riders and seal others in subway cars for later snacks? 

Or could JOJO be induced to graze harmlessly in the Jewel-Osco produce aisles?

Transit planners everywhere are concerned and the Space Alien Gazette will watch this carefully!

The Space Alien Embraces the Saxophone

The Space Alien, exhausted in body and spirit from a seemingly hopeless political quest, and believing that only music could restore a flagging soul, decided to take up the baritone saxophone.

Blessed with an exceptionally powerful physique and enormous wind power, the Space Alien soon managed to coax a sound from this gigantic instrument, but certain that expert instruction would be the best path to mastery, decided to audition with the well-known and highly respected classical saxophone musician, Jeremy Ruthrauff  (Q.V.),  who welcomed the Space Alien to his studio and kindly asked the prospective student to play for him.

Orchestra Hall, Chicago

Maestro Ruthrauff, blown away by the beauty of the few notes the Space Alien produced and recognizing that here was a talent seen but once in a century, proceeded to instruct the Space Alien, carefully nurturing the Space Alien's native talent.  The Space Alien, in turn, embarked on a practice regimen including scales and articulation drills that consumed nearly every waking hour.

The combination of exquisite natural musicianship, superb instruction, and a strong work ethic soon began to bear fruit, and in an astonishingly short time the Space Alien was prepared for a solo recital at Chicago's Orchestra Hall!   Saxophonist Jeremy Ruthrauff was so proud of his student!  And the Space Alien was so grateful to Jeremy Ruthrauff for his outstanding instruction.
To learn more, please  click here.

President Clinton
Applauded a
Fellow Saxophonist!

The Space Alien's friends gathered in record numbers on the eve of the Summer Solstice for their hero's first public appearance on this distinguished stage.

Among the music lovers in the standing room only crowd at Orchestra Hall that night was President Bill Clinton, also a saxophone player, who applauded enthusiastically and brought his own tenor sax along so that the Space Alien could autograph the case.    

President Clinton invited the Space Alien to jam with his jazz group but the Space Alien sadly expressed regret at not yet being sufficiently skilled in jazz improvisation.  "Perhaps next year!" the Space Alien politely told this new fan.  

 click here  
to hear the Space Alien play!

And now, loyal readers, you may enjoy the Space Alien's performance of a moving prelude by Johann Sebastian Bach.  Best known as a work for the 'cello, the Space Alien performs this on a baritone saxophone.  

We hope the Space Alien's artistry will launch your senses on an intergalactic voyage, calming your body and refreshing your soul.  

When you are ready to enjoy three minutes of beautiful music expressing the Space Alien's deepest longings and loftiest aspirations, please click under the picture (and then click on the arrow that appears).  

(If this clip sounds remarkably like the Space Alien's teacher Jeremy Ruthrauff's performance, it is because the Space Alien believes that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!)

This is the Space Alien's Summertime Gift to You!

The Space Alien Accepts a Loss

James Comey Testifies

Your editor had been watching TV the other day as the former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) testified at Senate Hearings, when she learned that the President had appointed Christopher Wray to be Director of that famous law enforcement agency.

Christopher Wray
Appointed 

While this appointment awaits Senate confirmation, it appears that the Space Alien is no longer in the running for this position.

"Uh oh" thought your editor, "the Space Alien was really hoping for that appointment!" (Q.V.).

A Saddened Space Alien
Returns Home

Just then, with a giant "whoosh," the Space Alien, having traveled at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, was home from Washington, D.C., still wearing a fashionable fedora, but now appearing somewhat forlorn.

"I can't believe it," said the Space Alien dispiritedly.  "I knew I was a great candidate for that job!"

"I'm sure you were," said your editor, "but we don't always get what we want."

"Don't patronize me with your trite philosophy!" snapped the Space Alien.  "I need a meaningful job, one commensurate with my outstanding abilities!"

"Well don't snap at me," snapped your editor, "and I'll try to think of one!"

They sat for a moment, each somewhat taken aback by this outburst.

Then your editor spoke:

Carl Bernstein and
Bob Woodard 

"Look, I know you are the publisher of the Space Alien Gazette, so technically you are my boss, but could I suggest that we badly need an investigative reporter?   Someone to look into the dark shadows of public life and keep our loyal readers informed!"

"Like Woodward & Bernstein?" asked the Space Alien.

"Sure!  Just like them!" answered your editor.

Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford

"Could I be in a movie like Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman in All the President's Men?"

"Why not?" answered your editor.

"Who would play me?" asked the Space Alien.

"We can think about that later," said your editor.

"I'd play myself," said the Space Alien "I'm good looking and I'll be a great investigator!   It would be like being the FBI without the Federal Bureau part, right?"

The Space Alien Prepares to Investigate!

"Something like that," murmured your editor, "and look, I have a brand new heavy-duty flashlight for you!'

The Space Alien examined the flashlight carefully.

"Say, this is terrific!  I can really investigate with this!"

"Yes, you can shine it into dark corners and let our loyal readers know what you find!"

So, Loyal Readers, the Space Alien welcomes your leads into secret doings in the corridors of power that cry out for investigation.  You may submit your ideas via the "write us" section in the sidebar.  (If you received this via e-mail subscription you may need to go to the website www.spacealiengazette.com to do this, or simply respond by return e-mail).

All responses received during the month of June, 2017, will be carefully considered by the Space Alien and the entire staff of the Space Alien Gazette.    Did we hear the words "Pulitzer Prize" bandied about?

Could the Space Alien be our Next FBI Director?

The Space Alien Dressed
for Success

Your Editor noticed the Space Alien rushing from the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.

"Where are you going in such a hurry" she asked, "and what's with that fedora?"



"I'm submitting my name for an important government position," answered the Space Alien, "so I'm dressing for success."

"What kind of position?" asked your editor.

"Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation" answered the Space Alien.

"FBI Director!" cried your editor.  "You have NO qualifications for such a job!  How can you even THINK of such a thing?"

The Space Alien Displays a Badge

"I do so have qualifications!" snapped the Space Alien, peevishly. "Look, I already have an FBI badge!"

Your editor examined the shiny bit of brass the Space Alien proffered.  "That's not a real FBI badge" she said.

"Well, not exactly," said the Space Alien, "but when they see how proudly I wear it I'm sure they'll give me a real one!"


"And I even have an official photo ID!"  continued the Space Alien, handing your editor a card.

The Space Alien's Official ID

Your editor examined it carefully and said "That's not even a real signature on there.  It's typed!"

"Well, you know I never learned to write properly but I used your old Olivetti so it's just the same, isn't it?"

"Not exactly," murmured your editor.

A Prime Suspect in the Missing Cookie Case 

After a moment, your editor resumed her interrogation.

"If you got the job, what would you investigate?"

The Space Alien answered without hesitation:

"I'd investigate the Cookie Monster!"

"The Cookie Monster?"

"Yes!  The Cookie Monster steals cookies and I'm sure he carries them across state lines!  This must be investigated!"

"But the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY!" exclaimed your editor.

"Well, if the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY, who better than me to investigate?  It takes one to know one!"


Your editor saw it would be pointless to argue.

The Space Alien Prepares to Investigate 

"And besides," added the Space Alien, "I'll be a great investigator, with my equipment all ready to go!"




Your editor was impressed with the degree of the Space Alien's preparation, but still had to ask:   "Will you be able to do this all by yourself?"

"Of course not," said the Space Alien.

"Just as soon as I'm sworn in, I'll hire my first deputy.  Here's a picture of my choice for that important position."

The Space Alien's Deputy Choice

With that, the Space Alien took flight, and is now believed to be traveling to Washington, D.C. at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light.

The President, currently traveling abroad, could not be reached for comment, but all of us here in the Editorial Offices of the Space Alien Gazette trust that loyal readers will join us in agreeing that the President would not make a better choice than the Space Alien for Director of the FBI.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Space Alien Celebrates Your Editor's Birthday

A Truck Arrived with a Huge Box!

The Space Alien was taking a break from  investigating serious national and world situations in order to celebrate your editor's birthday when a truck bearing a huge box arrived at the offices of the Space Alien Gazette.

The Driver Could Barely Carry the Box

The driver could barely carry the huge box inside, and your editor saw that it bore a card signed by the Space Alien.

"What is this?" she called across the insanely busy newsroom.

"It's for your birthday!" said the Space Alien.

"Well get over here and help me open it," said your editor.

The Space Alien needed Tools
to Open the Huge Box

The Space Alien picked up a tool belt to help your editor with the yards and yards of tape, string and wrappings and your editor pulled out a small package.

Inside she found a high-end  graphing calculator with row upon row of buttons for advanced mathematical functions.

For Big Numbers

"This is a nice gift," she said politely, "but why do you think I need this?'

The Space Alien seemed amazed at the question.

"Because of your  advanced age you need a calculator capable of handling extremely large numbers!"

"Well, thank you for that, I guess," murmured your editor.   "Now what else is in here?" she asked, pulling out an insulated container nearly as big as a small bathtub.

Healthful Veggies

The Space Alien pried open the container and pulled out a bunch of Swiss Chard from a box full of dark leafy greens with some cauliflower, radishes,  fennel and beets thrown in, and well as a few lemons and oranges!

An avalanche of kale, parsley, bok choy, spinach and dozens of other cruciferous vegetables cascaded onto the floor, nearly knocking your editor off her feet!
And all of it was organically grown!

"What is this for?" she asked.

"You need six large servings of these foods every day!  I read about that in Dr. Esselstyn's books in our Space Alien Gazette Bookstore on our website footer.   You need these veggies to live a long,  healthy life."

"This is important," continued the Space Alien, "because if you don't live long, neither do I!"

"Well thank you," said your editor, "I'll certainly want to eat plenty of these!"

Another Gift from the
Space Alien

Then she pulled out the last item, another small box.

Inside was a wall plaque with a portrait of the Space Alien and the words "Home Sweet Home."

"I'll hang it on my wall!" said your editor.  "Where did you find such a beautiful gift?"

"It's in the SAG Bazaar mentioned on our website footer, or just click here," said the Space Alien. "I thought you would like to have my suitably framed official portrait on your wall where you could always see it!"

"It is quite impressive, but how did you pay for it?"

"It was ridiculously overpriced, but you're worth it so I used your credit card!"

"Well, thank you for the thought!"

"And one more thing," said the Space Alien,  "I used your credit card for something else!"

"What was  that?" asked your editor, suspiciously.

To Donate, CLICK HERE.

"I made a donation to the Greater Chicago Food Depository so others could celebrate your birthday with a good meal!"

"Thank you!  That's a wonderful gift," said your editor.  "And as your editor," she added, "it may be unprofessional to say this, but I think you are really special."

"I think you are really special too," answered the Space Alien.

They sat in silence for a moment, and then your editor spoke:

"Let's go back to my house and have some birthday cake!"

"Will there be candles on it?" asked the Space Alien.

"Certainly!  One for each year!" answered your editor, who went on to describe the cake in some detail, but the Space Alien was already on the phone calling the fire department and paying no attention at all.

A Special Birthday Cake

The Space Alien Takes Time Off for Marches and Golf

The Space Alien had enjoyed a delightful few weeks!

First there were the marches!   The Space Alien joined your editor marching with tens of thousands of others in Chicago, first, as previously reported (Q.V.)  in the Tax March on April 15, and then in the March for Science on April 22 and finally in the Climate Change March on April 29.

Here are some exclusive photos taken of the Space Alien's marching buddies at these marches!

Space Alien's Friends at Climate March

Space Alien's Friends at Science March

(Links to more of the Space Alien's favorite pictures from these marches may be found at the foot of this post.)



















Following these marches, the Space Alien, carrying a golf bag and traveling at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, arrived at the prestigious Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia, home of the Masters Golf Tournament.

Caddies rushed to carry the Space Alien's irons, mashies, niblicks and putters, including many antique clubs with which the Space Alien had played for centuries at the great courses of the world, and gathering crowds marveled at the power and precision of the Space Alien's game, breaking course records at every hole.

Crowds Gather to Watch the Space Alien
Tee Off at the Augusta National Golf Course

Relaxing afterwards over camomile tea at the 19th Hole, the Space Alien was approached by an admiring fan who wondered why the Augusta course was preferred over one of the famous courses in Palm Beach.  The Space Alien politely changed the subject, not wishing to embarrass the nice fan who obviously did not know that ICE agents swarming that Florida club would demand the Space Alien's non-existent documents.

However, nothing could diminish the Space Alien's happiness after a wonderful day on the golf course.  "I must do this more often," murmured the Space Alien, before departing.

But arriving at the insanely busy offices of the Space Alien Gazette, the Space Alien was met by your editor.

"Where have you been?" she cried.  "We have so much work to do and you weren't here!"

The Space Alien was somewhat taken aback, but managed a reply:

"Well, just in the past few weeks I covered THREE marches back-to-back for the Space Alien Gazette, and that was a LOT of work!  And after the first one, the Tax March I even scored a one-on-one interview with the Commissioner of the U. S. Internal Revenue Service! (Q.V.)  That was a real coup!  But it was all so exhausting that I just needed some time off to play golf!"

"Time off?  Golf?" screamed your editor. "What were you thinking of? We have too much work to do!  You can't  go traipsing off to have fun the way you used to!  You have a newspaper to run!!!"

The Space Alien
Confronts Reality

The Space Alien answered sadly: "I had no idea that running a newspaper would be so much work! I never imagined the Space Alien Gazette would require so much time and effort!  I miss my old life!  I miss playing golf and hanging out with my pals!"

"Well, those days are over for now," said your editor.  "There's a pile of work waiting on your desk, starting with editing all those pictures you took at the marches!  We've just gotten the film back and you need to write the captions and get them to the printing presses for a special rotogravure feature and check it all for accuracy!"


"But what if we're printing fake news?" asked the Space Alien.

"How could any of our news be fake when you check every word of it?" answered your editor.

"You're right," said the Space Alien.  "I'll get on it right away!"  And if there is any fake news, I'll be sure to use this stamp!

Space Alien checks the Space Alien Gazette 
Happily, this stamp is rarely needed!

Editor's note: The Space Alien rarely needs to use this stamp, but knows it's important to check everything carefully!

That's why the Space Alien Gazette is your most reliable source for alternative facts!

Here is some of the press with photographs the Space Alien took at the Science and Climate Marches in Chicago and generously shared with other media outlets.

Science March: 
http://chicagoist.com/2017/04/22/tens_of_thousands_march_for_science.php#photo-23

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-earth-day-march-to-defend-science-20170422-story.html


Climate March:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-trump-climate-change-march-protest-chicago-20170429-story.html

The Space Alien Marches on Tax Day

On April 15, America's traditional tax day, the Space Alien marched with thousands of others in downtown Chicago, protesting the President's refusal to reveal his tax returns, as every American president has done for the past several decades.

The Space Alien marched with great energy, admiring signs and joining in chants urging the President to reveal his tax returns that could, in turn, expose hidden financial ties.


"Show us what democracy looks like!" shouted the chant leaders.

"This is what democracy looks like!" answered the Space Alien, along with thousands of others.



"No more Secrets! No more Lies!
Show your Taxes! Show your Ties!"

What are YOU hiding, Mr. President?

Seen along the March Route

and see:
1. http://wgntv.com/2017/04/15/nationwide-tax-day-protests-planned-including-chicago/

2. http://abc7chicago.com/news/thousands-gather-in-loop-to-call-on-president-trump-to-release-tax-returns/1876922/

3. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-tax-day-march-met-0416-20170416-story.html

4. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-thousands-march-on-tax-day-photos-20170415-photogallery.html

The Space Alien was 
burdened with guilt

Upon returning to the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette the Space Alien took your editor aside.

"I feel guilty," confided the Space Alien. "because I have never filed a tax return, and I wouldn't know where to begin!"

Your editor downloaded a Form 1040 and handed it to the Space Alien.  "Just take this home, fill it out, and mail it in.  It's all quite simple!"

The Space Alien
Examines Form 1040

The Space Alien examined the form, but soon realized that it would present a challenge, as it asked for information the Space Alien didn't have.

The Space Alien thought deeply about this and, as Hippocrates once prescribed, decided that desperate times called for desperate measures.

So traveling to Washington, D.C. at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, the Space Alien soon arrived at the Internal Revenue Service Building, where staffers, thrilled to meet the Space Alien, escorted their visitor directly to the office of the Commissioner of  the United States Internal Revenue Service, Mr. John Koskinen.

The IRS Commissioner John Koskinen
Welcomes The Space Alien

Commissioner Koskinen welcomed the Space Alien into his office, expressing his appreciation for the Space Alien's honesty and willingness to shoulder a fair share of the nation's economy.

"I'm sure we can straighten this out," the Commissioner said.  "May I ask you a few questions?"

"Certainly," said the Space Alien, relieved to have this understanding ear.

The IRS Commissioner lends an understanding ear 

"When and where were you born?" asked the Commissioner.
"I don't know," answered the Space Alien.
"Don't you know your birthday?"
"No, I don't, but I wouldn't expect a busy man like you to send me a card or anything," said the Space Alien modestly.

The Commissioner sighed.

"Do you have a Social Security number?"
"No, I don't."
"But don't you have a job?"
"I work for the Space Alien Gazette," said the Space Alien proudly.
"Well, don't you get a salary?"

The IRS Commissioner explains
history to the Space Alien

"Of course!  I get a free subscription to the Space Alien Gazette!"

This reminded the Commissioner of the practices that began in 1943 with WWII wage controls, leading to today's seemingly inextricable link between jobs and health care, and he began to explain this, but it was clear that the Space Alien's attention was beginning to wander.

(Loyal readers, however, especially our younger ones, may benefit from reading about this at: https://www.ebri.org/publications/facts/index.cfm?fa=0302fact)

The Commissioner sighed again, even more deeply, remembering with longing his far less complicated days both in the private sector and in public service (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Koskinen) before continuing his conversation with the Space Alien.

Still trying to ascertain if the Space Alien had any income that would necessitate filing a tax return, the Commissioner continued his questioning.

"What do you do if you want to buy something?" he asked.

"Well, I don't need much," answered the Space Alien but sometimes my editor lets me use her credit card."

The Commissioner winced.

The Space Alien's
Headache Remedy

"You must excuse me, Mr. Alien -- or is it Ms. Alien -- but I'm beginning to get a terrible headache!"

"No problem," said the Space Alien.  "Give me your hand!  I'll use my  teeth to press on the proper acupressure point and you'll feel better in no time!"

"Ah, uh, no; thank you, but I think I'd better go and lie down."  (But you, loyal reader, may examine this picture for future reference.)

And with that the Commissioner left the room.

The Space Alien waited for a while and then left too, feeling sad for not being able to help the nice Commissioner and even sadder not knowing how to file an income tax return or even if it were necessary.

The Space Alien, now busily preparing for the Science March on Earth Day, April 22, also reminds loyal readers that federal income tax returns are due this year on Tuesday, April 18.

Womankind -- and Storks -- Safeguarding the Future of Mankind

The Space Alien, who reads widely and incessantly, was pleased to read the National Geographic article about caring women in India who protect storks.  
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/08/storks-science-india-animals-rare/   

The Space Alien has heard that these magnificent birds find tiny humans and carry them to larger humans who care for them until they they reach full size. 

Where the storks find these tiny humans, the Space Alien does not know.  But clearly these gentle birds are essential to human survival. 

Since some of the Space Alien's best friends are humans, this is very much appreciated! 

The Space Alien cannot understand why humans cannot find their own little ones and must depend on storks for this.  Perhaps they just don't know where to look.

The Space Alien will continue to seek answers.  In the meantime, planet Earth owes a vote of thanks to the caring Indian women carrying out their important mission to protect these hard-working and necessary storks.