Saturday, October 26, 2019

The Space Alien Addresses the Newspaper Ban

Hallowe'en was approaching and Your Editor asked the Space Alien about this year's costume.

"This Hallowe'en I'll be dressed as a United States Senate Page!" announced the Space Alien.  "In fact, I'm even working undercover right now disguised as a Senate Page in Washington, D.C.!"

"What?  Who appointed you, and why?" 

"Several Washington officials who preferred not to be named asked me to serve and I'll be on a special mission for them."

"What do you mean?"  

"Well, you know the President has banned government subscriptions to the New York Times and Washington Post."

"Yes," said Your Editor, "I read about that!"  

"So, with my easy access to federal buildings disguised as a Senate Page,  I'll be carrying the usual load of documents, but hidden among them will be copies of the New York Times and Washington Post.  And I'll also have flashlights for White House staffers who prefer to take no chances by reading their copies secretly in bathroom stalls!"   

"You will be very convincing!" agreed Your Editor, examining the Space Alien's disguise as a Senate Page.  

The Space Alien, cleverly disguised as a 
Senate Page, brings the New York Times & Washington Post to Federal buildings where subscriptions were recently banned.
"I thought so too," said The Space Alien. "And this will be a twofer because besides smuggling these major newspapers of record to places that may no longer receive subscriptions, I can wear the same costume and go dressed as a United States Senate Page to Hallowe'en Parties as well!"

"Very practical," agreed Your Editor.

And so, Loyal Reader, if you attend any Hallowe'en parties and encounter someone dressed as a United States Senate Page, that is likely to be the Space Alien!  Just ask, and perhaps there will be an extra copy of the New York Times or Washington Post for you as well!  

All of us here in the unbelievably busy offices of the Space Alien Gazette wish our Loyal Readers a Happy Hallowe'en!  


Editor's Note:  Your Editor would like to remind Loyal Readers that when you read the Space Alien Gazette you may not even need the New York Times or Washington Post.

Editor's Note: A Loyal Reader asked about the real Senate Page who let the Space Alien wear her suit as a disguise.  We are happy to report that she was able to take the day off, put on a pretty flowered silk dress and join friends for lunch at American CafĂ© near the Capitol. 

Thursday, October 17, 2019

The Space Alien Masters the Amsler Grid

Your Editor was upset because her vertical blinds were warped and not hanging straight.  "This is really a nuisance," she exclaimed.  "It will be expensive and inconvenient to get new ones."

The Space Alien took a look and said  "There's nothing wrong with those blinds!  You'd better see an eye doctor!"

That sounded ridiculous to Your Editor, but to put an end to the argument she went to see her eye doctor who immediately referred her to an excellent retina specialist,  Dr. Timothy Flood.
Dr. Flood handed her a card imprinted with a black and white grid with a dot in the center. This was an Amsler grid.  He asked her cover one eye and to focus the other eye on the dot in the center,  and asked her if the all lines on the grid were straight.    

"NO!" answered Your Editor.  "Some lines are crooked.  This is a defective drawing!  You should not be using it!" 

"The lines are perfectly straight," said Dr. Flood, "but you have a condition called Macular Degeneration that makes some of the lines appear distorted."

You, Loyal Reader, may read more about this here:

Then Dr. Flood examined the Space Alien's eyes.  The Space Alien easily passed the Amsler test and Dr. Flood remarked that this opportunity to examine the Space Alien's eyes was one of the high points of his professional career.  

Your Editor, however, now regularly receives shots in her right eye to treat Macular Degeneration.  She notes that while the Amsler grid she is asked to look at is still defective, it is not getting worse!  
Note:  The Space Alien would like to remind Loyal Readers that they could try the Amsler Grid test above, covering one eye and focusing the other on the dot in the center.  If any lines appear wavy, it would be a good idea to consult an eye doctor.