Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Could the Space Alien be our Next FBI Director?

The Space Alien Dressed
for Success

Your Editor noticed the Space Alien rushing from the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.

"Where are you going in such a hurry" she asked, "and what's with that fedora?"

"I'm submitting my name for an important government position," answered the Space Alien, "so I'm dressing for success."

"What kind of position?" asked your editor.

"Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation" answered the Space Alien.

"FBI Director!" cried your editor.  "You have NO qualifications for such a job!  How can you even THINK of such a thing?"

The Space Alien Displays a Badge
"I do so have qualifications!" snapped the Space Alien, peevishly. "Look, I already have an FBI badge!"

Your editor examined the shiny bit of brass the Space Alien proffered.  "That's not a real FBI badge" she said.

"Well, not exactly," said the Space Alien, "but when they see how proudly I wear it I'm sure they'll give me a real one!"

"And I even have an official photo ID!"  continued the Space Alien, handing your editor a card.

The Space Alien's Official ID
Your editor examined it carefully and said "That's not even a real signature on there.  It's typed!"

"Well, you know I never learned to write properly but I used your old Olivetti so it's just the same, isn't it?"

"Not exactly," murmured your editor.

A Prime Suspect in the Missing Cookie Case 
After a moment, your editor resumed her interrogation.

"If you got the job, what would you investigate?"

The Space Alien answered without hesitation:

"I'd investigate the Cookie Monster!"

"The Cookie Monster?"

"Yes!  The Cookie Monster steals cookies and I'm sure he carries them across state lines!  This must be investigated!"

"But the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY!" exclaimed your editor.

"Well, if the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY, who better than me to investigate?  It takes one to know one!"

Your editor saw it would be pointless to argue.
The Space Alien Prepares to Investigate 

"And besides," added the Space Alien, "I'll be a great investigator, with my equipment all ready to go!"

Your editor was impressed with the degree of the Space Alien's preparation, but still had to ask:   "Will you be able to do this all by yourself?"

"Of course not," said the Space Alien.

"Just as soon as I'm sworn in, I'll hire my first deputy.  Here's a picture of my choice for that important position."
The Space Alien's Deputy Choice

With that, the Space Alien took flight, and is now believed to be traveling to Washington, D.C. at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light.

The President, currently traveling abroad, could not be reached for comment, but all of us here in the Editorial Offices of the Space Alien Gazette trust that loyal readers will join us in agreeing that the President would not make a better choice than the Space Alien for Director of the FBI.

Friday, May 12, 2017

The Space Alien Celebrates Your Editor's Birthday

A Truck Arrived with a Huge Box!

The Space Alien was taking a break from  investigating serious national and world situations in order to celebrate your editor's birthday when a truck bearing a huge box arrived at the offices of the Space Alien Gazette.

The Driver Could Barely Carry the Box

The driver could barely carry the huge box inside, and your editor saw that it bore a card signed by the Space Alien.

"What is this?" she called across the insanely busy newsroom.

"It's for your birthday!" said the Space Alien.

"Well get over here and help me open it," said your editor.

The Space Alien needed Tools
to Open the Huge Box

The Space Alien picked up a tool belt to help your editor with the yards and yards of tape, string and wrappings and your editor pulled out a small package.

Inside she found a high-end  graphing calculator with row upon row of buttons for advanced mathematical functions.

For Big Numbers
"This is a nice gift," she said politely, "but why do you think I need this?'

The Space Alien seemed amazed at the question.

"Because of your  advanced age you need a calculator capable of handling extremely large numbers!"

"Well, thank you for that, I guess," murmured your editor.   "Now what else is in here?" she asked, pulling out an insulated container nearly as big as a small bathtub.

Healthful Veggies
The Space Alien pried open the container and pulled out a bunch of Swiss Chard from a box full of dark leafy greens with some cauliflower, radishes,  fennel and beets thrown in, and well as a few lemons and oranges!

An avalanche of kale, parsley, bok choy, spinach and dozens of other cruciferous vegetables cascaded onto the floor, nearly knocking your editor off her feet!
And all of it was organically grown!

"What is this for?" she asked.

"You need six large servings of these foods every day!  I read about that in Dr. Esselstyn's books in our Space Alien Gazette Bookstore on our website footer.   You need these veggies to live a long,  healthy life."

"This is important," continued the Space Alien, "because if you don't live long, neither do I!"

"Well thank you," said your editor, "I'll certainly want to eat plenty of these!"

Another Gift from the
Space Alien

Then she pulled out the last item, another small box.

Inside was a wall plaque with a portrait of the Space Alien and the words "Home Sweet Home."

"I'll hang it on my wall!" said your editor.  "Where did you find such a beautiful gift?"

"It's in the SAG Bazaar mentioned on our website footer, or just click here," said the Space Alien. "I thought you would like to have my suitably framed official portrait on your wall where you could always see it!"

"It is quite impressive, but how did you pay for it?"

"It was ridiculously overpriced, but you're worth it so I used your credit card!"

"Well, thank you for the thought!"

"And one more thing," said the Space Alien,  "I used your credit card for something else!"

"What was  that?" asked your editor, suspiciously.

To Donate, CLICK HERE.
"I made a donation to the Greater Chicago Food Depository so others could celebrate your birthday with a good meal!"

"Thank you!  That's a wonderful gift," said your editor.  "And as your editor," she added, "it may be unprofessional to say this, but I think you are really special."

"I think you are really special too," answered the Space Alien.

They sat in silence for a moment, and then your editor spoke:

"Let's go back to my house and have some birthday cake!"

"Will there be candles on it?" asked the Space Alien.

"Certainly!  One for each year!" answered your editor, who went on to describe the cake in some detail, but the Space Alien was already on the phone calling the fire department and paying no attention at all.
A Special Birthday Cake

Friday, May 5, 2017

The Space Alien Takes Time Off for Marches and Golf

The Space Alien had enjoyed a delightful few weeks!

First there were the marches!   The Space Alien joined your editor marching with tens of thousands of others in Chicago, first, as previously reported (Q.V.)  in the Tax March on April 15, and then in the March for Science on April 22 and finally in the Climate Change March on April 29.

Here are some exclusive photos taken of the Space Alien's marching buddies at these marches!
Space Alien's Friends at Climate March
Space Alien's Friends at Science March

(Links to more of the Space Alien's favorite pictures from these marches may be found at the foot of this post.)

Following these marches, the Space Alien, carrying a golf bag and traveling at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, arrived at the prestigious Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia, home of the Masters Golf Tournament.

Caddies rushed to carry the Space Alien's irons, mashies, niblicks and putters, including many antique clubs with which the Space Alien had played for centuries at the great courses of the world, and gathering crowds marveled at the power and precision of the Space Alien's game, breaking course records at every hole.
Crowds Gather to Watch the Space Alien
Tee Off at the Augusta National Golf Course
Relaxing afterwards over camomile tea at the 19th Hole, the Space Alien was approached by an admiring fan who wondered why the Augusta course was preferred over one of the famous courses in Palm Beach.  The Space Alien politely changed the subject, not wishing to embarrass the nice fan who obviously did not know that ICE agents swarming that Florida club would demand the Space Alien's non-existent documents.

However, nothing could diminish the Space Alien's happiness after a wonderful day on the golf course.  "I must do this more often," murmured the Space Alien, before departing.

But arriving at the insanely busy offices of the Space Alien Gazette, the Space Alien was met by your editor.

"Where have you been?" she cried.  "We have so much work to do and you weren't here!"
The Space Alien was somewhat taken aback, but managed a reply:

"Well, just in the past few weeks I covered THREE marches back-to-back for the Space Alien Gazette, and that was a LOT of work!  And after the first one, the Tax March I even scored a one-on-one interview with the Commissioner of the U. S. Internal Revenue Service! (Q.V.)  That was a real coup!  But it was all so exhausting that I just needed some time off to play golf!"

"Time off?  Golf?" screamed your editor. "What were you thinking of? We have too much work to do!  You can't  go traipsing off to have fun the way you used to!  You have a newspaper to run!!!"
The Space Alien
Confronts Reality

The Space Alien answered sadly: "I had no idea that running a newspaper would be so much work! I never imagined the Space Alien Gazette would require so much time and effort!  I miss my old life!  I miss playing golf and hanging out with my pals!"

"Well, those days are over for now," said your editor.  "There's a pile of work waiting on your desk, starting with editing all those pictures you took at the marches!  We've just gotten the film back and you need to write the captions and get them to the printing presses for a special rotogravure feature and check it all for accuracy!"

"But what if we're printing fake news?" asked the Space Alien.

"How could any of our news be fake when you check every word of it?" answered your editor.

"You're right," said the Space Alien.  "I'll get on it right away!"  And if there is any fake news, I'll be sure to use this stamp!

Space Alien checks the Space Alien Gazette 
Happily, this stamp is rarely needed!

Editor's note: The Space Alien rarely needs to use this stamp, but knows it's important to check everything carefully!

That's why the Space Alien Gazette is your most reliable source for alternative facts!

Here is some of the press with photographs the Space Alien took at the Science and Climate Marches in Chicago and generously shared with other media outlets.

Science March: 


Climate March: