Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Could the Space Alien be our Next FBI Director?

The Space Alien Dressed
for Success

Your Editor noticed the Space Alien rushing from the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.

"Where are you going in such a hurry" she asked, "and what's with that fedora?"



"I'm submitting my name for an important government position," answered the Space Alien, "so I'm dressing for success."

"What kind of position?" asked your editor.

"Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation" answered the Space Alien.

"FBI Director!" cried your editor.  "You have NO qualifications for such a job!  How can you even THINK of such a thing?"


The Space Alien Displays a Badge
"I do so have qualifications!" snapped the Space Alien, peevishly. "Look, I already have an FBI badge!"

Your editor examined the shiny bit of brass the Space Alien proffered.  "That's not a real FBI badge" she said.

"Well, not exactly," said the Space Alien, "but when they see how proudly I wear it I'm sure they'll give me a real one!"


"And I even have an official photo ID!"  continued the Space Alien, handing your editor a card.


The Space Alien's Official ID
Your editor examined it carefully and said "That's not even a real signature on there.  It's typed!"

"Well, you know I never learned to write properly but I used your old Olivetti so it's just the same, isn't it?"

"Not exactly," murmured your editor.



A Prime Suspect in the Missing Cookie Case 
After a moment, your editor resumed her interrogation.

"If you got the job, what would you investigate?"

The Space Alien answered without hesitation:

"I'd investigate the Cookie Monster!"

"The Cookie Monster?"

"Yes!  The Cookie Monster steals cookies and I'm sure he carries them across state lines!  This must be investigated!"

"But the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY!" exclaimed your editor.

"Well, if the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY, who better than me to investigate?  It takes one to know one!"


Your editor saw it would be pointless to argue.
The Space Alien Prepares to Investigate 


"And besides," added the Space Alien, "I'll be a great investigator, with my equipment all ready to go!"




Your editor was impressed with the degree of the Space Alien's preparation, but still had to ask:   "Will you be able to do this all by yourself?"

"Of course not," said the Space Alien.

"Just as soon as I'm sworn in, I'll hire my first deputy.  Here's a picture of my choice for that important position."
The Space Alien's Deputy Choice



With that, the Space Alien took flight, and is now believed to be traveling to Washington, D.C. at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light.

The President, currently traveling abroad, could not be reached for comment, but all of us here in the Editorial Offices of the Space Alien Gazette trust that loyal readers will join us in agreeing that the President would not make a better choice than the Space Alien for Director of the FBI.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, May 12, 2017

The Space Alien Celebrates Your Editor's Birthday

A Truck Arrived with a Huge Box!

The Space Alien was taking a break from  investigating serious national and world situations in order to celebrate your editor's birthday when a truck bearing a huge box arrived at the offices of the Space Alien Gazette.

The Driver Could Barely Carry the Box



The driver could barely carry the huge box inside, and your editor saw that it bore a card signed by the Space Alien.

"What is this?" she called across the insanely busy newsroom.

"It's for your birthday!" said the Space Alien.

"Well get over here and help me open it," said your editor.

The Space Alien needed Tools
to Open the Huge Box

The Space Alien picked up a tool belt to help your editor with the yards and yards of tape, string and wrappings and your editor pulled out a small package.

Inside she found a high-end  graphing calculator with row upon row of buttons for advanced mathematical functions.

For Big Numbers
"This is a nice gift," she said politely, "but why do you think I need this?'

The Space Alien seemed amazed at the question.

"Because of your  advanced age you need a calculator capable of handling extremely large numbers!"

"Well, thank you for that, I guess," murmured your editor.   "Now what else is in here?" she asked, pulling out an insulated container nearly as big as a small bathtub.


Healthful Veggies
The Space Alien pried open the container and pulled out a bunch of Swiss Chard from a box full of dark leafy greens with some cauliflower, radishes,  fennel and beets thrown in, and well as a few lemons and oranges!

An avalanche of kale, parsley, bok choy, spinach and dozens of other cruciferous vegetables cascaded onto the floor, nearly knocking your editor off her feet!
And all of it was organically grown!

"What is this for?" she asked.

"You need six large servings of these foods every day!  I read about that in Dr. Esselstyn's books in our Space Alien Gazette Bookstore on our website footer.   You need these veggies to live a long,  healthy life."

"This is important," continued the Space Alien, "because if you don't live long, neither do I!"

"Well thank you," said your editor, "I'll certainly want to eat plenty of these!"

Another Gift from the
Space Alien

Then she pulled out the last item, another small box.

Inside was a wall plaque with a portrait of the Space Alien and the words "Home Sweet Home."

"I'll hang it on my wall!" said your editor.  "Where did you find such a beautiful gift?"

"It's in the SAG Bazaar mentioned on our website footer, or just click here," said the Space Alien. "I thought you would like to have my suitably framed official portrait on your wall where you could always see it!"

"It is quite impressive, but how did you pay for it?"

"It was ridiculously overpriced, but you're worth it so I used your credit card!"

"Well, thank you for the thought!"

"And one more thing," said the Space Alien,  "I used your credit card for something else!"

"What was  that?" asked your editor, suspiciously.

To Donate, CLICK HERE.
"I made a donation to the Greater Chicago Food Depository so others could celebrate your birthday with a good meal!"

"Thank you!  That's a wonderful gift," said your editor.  "And as your editor," she added, "it may be unprofessional to say this, but I think you are really special."

"I think you are really special too," answered the Space Alien.

They sat in silence for a moment, and then your editor spoke:

"Let's go back to my house and have some birthday cake!"

"Will there be candles on it?" asked the Space Alien.

"Certainly!  One for each year!" answered your editor, who went on to describe the cake in some detail, but the Space Alien was already on the phone calling the fire department and paying no attention at all.
A Special Birthday Cake


Friday, May 5, 2017

The Space Alien Takes Time Off for Marches and Golf

The Space Alien had enjoyed a delightful few weeks!

First there were the marches!   The Space Alien joined your editor marching with tens of thousands of others in Chicago, first, as previously reported (Q.V.)  in the Tax March on April 15, and then in the March for Science on April 22 and finally in the Climate Change March on April 29.

Here are some exclusive photos taken of the Space Alien's marching buddies at these marches!
Space Alien's Friends at Climate March
Space Alien's Friends at Science March




(Links to more of the Space Alien's favorite pictures from these marches may be found at the foot of this post.)



















Following these marches, the Space Alien, carrying a golf bag and traveling at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, arrived at the prestigious Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia, home of the Masters Golf Tournament.

Caddies rushed to carry the Space Alien's irons, mashies, niblicks and putters, including many antique clubs with which the Space Alien had played for centuries at the great courses of the world, and gathering crowds marveled at the power and precision of the Space Alien's game, breaking course records at every hole.
Crowds Gather to Watch the Space Alien
Tee Off at the Augusta National Golf Course
Relaxing afterwards over camomile tea at the 19th Hole, the Space Alien was approached by an admiring fan who wondered why the Augusta course was preferred over one of the famous courses in Palm Beach.  The Space Alien politely changed the subject, not wishing to embarrass the nice fan who obviously did not know that ICE agents swarming that Florida club would demand the Space Alien's non-existent documents.

However, nothing could diminish the Space Alien's happiness after a wonderful day on the golf course.  "I must do this more often," murmured the Space Alien, before departing.

But arriving at the insanely busy offices of the Space Alien Gazette, the Space Alien was met by your editor.

"Where have you been?" she cried.  "We have so much work to do and you weren't here!"
The Space Alien was somewhat taken aback, but managed a reply:

"Well, just in the past few weeks I covered THREE marches back-to-back for the Space Alien Gazette, and that was a LOT of work!  And after the first one, the Tax March I even scored a one-on-one interview with the Commissioner of the U. S. Internal Revenue Service! (Q.V.)  That was a real coup!  But it was all so exhausting that I just needed some time off to play golf!"

"Time off?  Golf?" screamed your editor. "What were you thinking of? We have too much work to do!  You can't  go traipsing off to have fun the way you used to!  You have a newspaper to run!!!"
The Space Alien
Confronts Reality

The Space Alien answered sadly: "I had no idea that running a newspaper would be so much work! I never imagined the Space Alien Gazette would require so much time and effort!  I miss my old life!  I miss playing golf and hanging out with my pals!"

"Well, those days are over for now," said your editor.  "There's a pile of work waiting on your desk, starting with editing all those pictures you took at the marches!  We've just gotten the film back and you need to write the captions and get them to the printing presses for a special rotogravure feature and check it all for accuracy!"


"But what if we're printing fake news?" asked the Space Alien.

"How could any of our news be fake when you check every word of it?" answered your editor.

"You're right," said the Space Alien.  "I'll get on it right away!"  And if there is any fake news, I'll be sure to use this stamp!

Space Alien checks the Space Alien Gazette 
Happily, this stamp is rarely needed!



Editor's note: The Space Alien rarely needs to use this stamp, but knows it's important to check everything carefully!

That's why the Space Alien Gazette is your most reliable source for alternative facts!


Here is some of the press with photographs the Space Alien took at the Science and Climate Marches in Chicago and generously shared with other media outlets.

Science March: 
http://chicagoist.com/2017/04/22/tens_of_thousands_march_for_science.php#photo-23

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-earth-day-march-to-defend-science-20170422-story.html


Climate March:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-trump-climate-change-march-protest-chicago-20170429-story.html


Monday, April 17, 2017

The Space Alien Marches on Tax Day

On April 15, America's traditional tax day, the Space Alien marched with thousands of others in downtown Chicago, protesting the President's refusal to reveal his tax returns, as every American president has done for the past several decades.

The Space Alien marched with great energy, admiring signs and joining in chants urging the President to reveal his tax returns that could, in turn, expose hidden financial ties.


"Show us what democracy looks like!" shouted the chant leaders.

"This is what democracy looks like!" answered the Space Alien, along with thousands of others.



"No more Secrets! No more Lies!

Show your Taxes! Show your Ties!"

What are YOU hiding, Mr. President?


Seen along the March Route








and see:
1. http://wgntv.com/2017/04/15/nationwide-tax-day-protests-planned-including-chicago/

2. http://abc7chicago.com/news/thousands-gather-in-loop-to-call-on-president-trump-to-release-tax-returns/1876922/

3. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-tax-day-march-met-0416-20170416-story.html

4. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-thousands-march-on-tax-day-photos-20170415-photogallery.html

The Space Alien was 
burdened with guilt


Upon returning to the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette the Space Alien took your editor aside.

"I feel guilty," confided the Space Alien. "because I have never filed a tax return, and I wouldn't know where to begin!"

Your editor downloaded a Form 1040 and handed it to the Space Alien.  "Just take this home, fill it out, and mail it in.  It's all quite simple!"
The Space Alien
Examines Form 1040

The Space Alien examined the form, but soon realized that it would present a challenge, as it asked for information the Space Alien didn't have.

The Space Alien thought deeply about this and, as Hippocrates once prescribed, decided that desperate times called for desperate measures.

So traveling to Washington, D.C. at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, the Space Alien soon arrived at the Internal Revenue Service Building, where staffers, thrilled to meet the Space Alien, escorted their visitor directly to the office of the Commissioner of  the United States Internal Revenue Service, Mr. John Koskinen.


The IRS Commissioner John Koskinen
Welcomes The Space Alien












Commissioner Koskinen welcomed the Space Alien into his office, expressing his appreciation for the Space Alien's honesty and willingness to shoulder a fair share of the nation's economy.

"I'm sure we can straighten this out," the Commissioner said.  "May I ask you a few questions?"

"Certainly," said the Space Alien, relieved to have this understanding ear.

The IRS Commissioner lends an understanding ear 

"When and where were you born?" asked the Commissioner.
"I don't know," answered the Space Alien.
"Don't you know your birthday?"
"No, I don't, but I wouldn't expect a busy man like you to send me a card or anything," said the Space Alien modestly.

The Commissioner sighed.

"Do you have a Social Security number?"
"No, I don't."
"But don't you have a job?"
"I work for the Space Alien Gazette," said the Space Alien proudly.
"Well, don't you get a salary?"
The IRS Commissioner explains
history to the Space Alien
"Of course!  I get a free subscription to the Space Alien Gazette!"

This reminded the Commissioner of the practices that began in 1943 with WWII wage controls, leading to today's seemingly inextricable link between jobs and health care, and he began to explain this, but it was clear that the Space Alien's attention was beginning to wander.

(Loyal readers, however, especially our younger ones, may benefit from reading about this at: https://www.ebri.org/publications/facts/index.cfm?fa=0302fact)

The Commissioner sighed again, even more deeply, remembering with longing his far less complicated days both in the private sector and in public service (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Koskinen) before continuing his conversation with the Space Alien.

Still trying to ascertain if the Space Alien had any income that would necessitate filing a tax return, the Commissioner continued his questioning.

"What do you do if you want to buy something?" he asked.

"Well, I don't need much," answered the Space Alien but sometimes my editor lets me use her credit card."

The Commissioner winced.

The Space Alien's
Headache Remedy
"You must excuse me, Mr. Alien -- or is it Ms. Alien -- but I'm beginning to get a terrible headache!"

"No problem," said the Space Alien.  "Give me your hand!  I'll use my  teeth to press on the proper acupressure point and you'll feel better in no time!"

"Ah, uh, no; thank you, but I think I'd better go and lie down."  (But you, loyal reader, may examine this picture for future reference.)

And with that the Commissioner left the room.

The Space Alien waited for a while and then left too, feeling sad for not being able to help the nice Commissioner and even sadder not knowing how to file an income tax return or even if it were necessary.

The Space Alien, now busily preparing for the Science March on Earth Day, April 22, also reminds loyal readers that federal income tax returns are due this year on Tuesday, April 18.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Womankind -- and Storks -- Safeguarding the Future of Mankind

The Space Alien, who reads widely and incessantly, was pleased to read the National Geographic article about caring women in India who protect storks.  
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/08/storks-science-india-animals-rare/   

The Space Alien has heard that these magnificent birds find tiny humans and carry them to larger humans who care for them until they they reach full size. 

Where the storks find these tiny humans, the Space Alien does not know.  But clearly these gentle birds are essential to human survival. 

Since some of the Space Alien's best friends are humans, this is very much appreciated! 

The Space Alien cannot understand why humans cannot find their own little ones and must depend on storks for this.  Perhaps they just don't know where to look.

The Space Alien will continue to seek answers.  In the meantime, planet Earth owes a vote of thanks to the caring Indian women carrying out their important mission to protect these hard-working and necessary storks.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

The Space Alien's Passover Encounter

While enjoying a swim in the River Nile during an Egyptian holiday, the Space Alien was astonished to see a small basket floating along, tilted on its side.  


The Basket was in Peril


The Space Alien Grasped
the Tiny Hand





The Space Alien was even more astonished to see a tiny hand emerge as the listing basket began to empty its contents into the churning waters of that historic river.  

The Space Alien quickly swam alongside, gently grasped the tiny hand, and withdrew a tiny baby from the muddy water.


Fortunately the Space Alien had brought along two large, soft, white beach towels with blue stripes, and carefully tipped the muddy water out of the basket and wiped it clean with one of them.
The Space Alien's Large, Soft,
White Beach Towels with
Blue Stripes



Then the Space Alien carefully wrapped the tiny baby in the second white beach towel with the blue stripes, and gently placed him back in the basket.(Curious loyal readers may scroll to the very foot of this post for more information about why, when traveling, the Space Alien carries at least one towel.) 



Moses greets the Space Alien

The tiny baby, now cozily swaddled in the white beach towel with blue stripes, gazed calmly into the eyes of the Space Alien and spoke: 

“Do I know you?”

“I’m the Space Alien!”


"My name is Moses," said the tiny baby "and I  thank you for rescuing me!  I haven't learned to swim yet, and I thought I was a goner for sure and would never fulfill my great destiny."

"It was my pleasure," said the Space Alien, "but why are you out here all alone on the river?'

The Princess and
Moses' Sister Miriam
"The ruler — they call him Pharaoh -- wanted to kill little boys like me, so my Mom put me here for safety.  She knew Pharoah’s daughter, the Princess, would see how cute I was and rescue me when she came to the river to wash up.  And see - there she is now!"  

"And look," continued the tiny baby, "there's my sister, Miriam, ready to help the princess find a baby sitter who would actually be my Mom!    Everything is all planned and you can even read about it in your Bible in the first two chapters of the Book of Exodus."  (Q.V.)


The Space Alien looked up and, indeed, saw the women standing nearby.  


The tiny baby spoke again: 

"If I can just get to where they are,  I'll be safe."

The Space Alien nodded in agreement, and then, swimming under the roiling water of the Nile, carefully pushed the basket until it was close to the shore where the women were standing.  

The Princess and Miriam
"Goodbye, Baby Moses!" said the Space Alien softly, positioning the basket near the reedy bank.  "Be a good boy, fulfill your great destiny with integrity, and always tell the truth."

"I promise!" responded Baby Moses.  

The Space Alien waited as the Princess and Moses' sister Miriam, who would love and care for Moses, retrieved him, and watched them wrap him once again in the large white beach towel with the blue stripes. 

  

The Space Alien wondered how 
 Moses would use the white
beach towel with blue stripes.

Then, murmuring "My work here is done,” the Space Alien was soon aloft, traveling through time and space at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, to the headquarters of the Space Alien Gazette, where Your Editor was waiting.
"Where were you?" asked your editor when the Space Alien returned, "and how did your lovely white beach towel with the blue stripes get so wet and muddy?  And where is the other one?"

"I can explain..." began the Space Alien, but Your Editor impatiently interrupted.  "Oh  we don't have time for another of your 'bubbe meises' (Q.V.) now.  You need to hurry  and get cleaned up.  Tonight is Pesach and our Seder is about to begin!"

The Space Alien carefully rinsed the mud of the Nile from the large white beach towel with the blue stripes and hung it up to dry, briefly wondering how Baby Moses would use the other identical one in later years, and then hurried to take a seat at the lovely Space Alien Gazette Passover Seder!     

What a wonderful Seder it was, with the entire staff of the Space Alien Gazette and their families and friends.  

Here is one of the Space Alien's exclusive photographs:

Space Alien Gazette Passover Seder

The Space Alien happily participated in the Seder, munching on matzos while reading the thrilling account of how Moses grew up to become a great leader who guided his people to freedom, and smiled recalling the thrilling rescue of the tiny baby on the River Nile.





Whatever holiday you may be celebrating at this season, or simply to welcome the arrival of Spring,  The Space Alien, your editor, and the entire staff of the Space Alien Gazette would like to wish all of our Loyal Readers good health and much happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you would like to learn more about the history and customs of Passover (Pesach) please click here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After dinner the Space Alien happily joined in singing about the little basket on the Nile that carried tiny baby Moses to safety!   If you, loyal reader, would like to sing along, here are some recordings, and, if you will scroll down, the words as well!

1. Sung by Tova Ben-Zvi in Sabbath and Holiday Songs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnGeGoTh4S4&feature=youtu.be

2.  Sung by Shura Lipovsky in Moments of Jewish Life:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRO6cVYe0vA


3. Sung by Lori Cahan Simon in Songs my Bubbe Should Have Taught Me, Volume 1, Passover:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dg68VCi9zoE


4. Sung by schoolchildren at Kinneret Day School in New York: 


And here are the words so you can sing it too!

Words are by the beloved Yiddish poet Avrom Reyzen (Q.V), and the music is by the similarly beloved composer Mikhl Gelbart (Q.V.).

Yiddish Text Transliterated in Latin Letters: 

Shvimt dos kestl afn taykh, Afn groysn nil.
Shvimt dos kestl ruik, glaykh, Shvimt dos kestl shtil. 

     Un di khvalyes geyen shtil, geyen tsart un lind;
     Vi zey voltn hitn zikh Ton a leyd dem kind. 


Shvimt dos kestl afn taykh,  afn groysn nil.

Shvimt dos kestl ruik, glaykh, Shvimt dos kestl shtil. 

     O, di khvalyes zaynen dokh nit vi pare shlekht.
     Nit dertrinken veln zey Meshiekhn fun knekht. 

Shvimt dos kestl afn taykh,  afn groysn nil.
Shvimt dos kestl ruik, glaykh, Shvimt dos kestl shtil. 

English Translation: 

The little basket floats on the river, upon the great Nile 
The little basket floats peacefully, steadily, 
The little basket floats quietly.

     And the wavelets move quietly, they move gently and softly,
     As if to keep from harming the little child. 

The little basket floats on the river, upon the great Nile 
The little basket floats peacefully, steadily, 
The little basket floats quietly.

    Oh the waves are, indeed, not like evil Pharaoh, 

    They would not drown the Messiah of the slaves
  
The little basket floats on the river, upon the great Nile
The little basket floats peacefully, steadily, 
the little basket floats quietly.

Original Yiddish: 



(You may also find this at http://www.yv.org/peysakh.html and scroll down a bit. ) 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Word of Explanation: Why does the Space Alien Carry a Towel when Traveling?

It was certainly fortuitous on this occasion that the Space Alien had taken along two large, soft, white beach towels with blue stripes, but loyal readers should know that the Space Alien generally carries at least one serviceable towel when away from the offices of the Space Alien Gazette

The Space Alien, an avid reader of science fiction comedy, was profoundly influenced by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams which appeared in the 1970's as a radio comedy and was since published in many other forms including novel and film.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hitchhiker%27s_Guide_to_the_Galaxy.  

The Space Alien, always on the lookout for practical advice, found the following passage from Chapter 3 of this book to be eminently sensible and strongly persuasive: 
"A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you — daft as a brush, but very very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
"More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost." What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with."
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
And see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Towel_Day

This is why the Space Alien likes to carry a towel while traveling away from the offices of the Space Alien Gazette, and strongly recommends this practice to loyal readers as well.

The Space Alien Carries a Towel when Traveling
away from the Space Alien Gazette


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~