The Space Alien Advertises: Situation Wanted

Your editor picked up the most recent edition of the Space Alien Gazette and noticed the following advertisement in the Classified Advertising section:

"Situation wanted:  Good looking, charismatic figure, currently underemployed, seeks position as mascot for a major (preferably Fortune 500) retailer.  Will travel at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light to attend your company parties, store openings, and children's events.  My picture on your store-brand products guaranteed to increase sales.  Let the Space Alien up YOUR revenues! Serious inquiries only."

"What IS this?" cried your editor as the Space Alien sauntered into the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.

"I just saw Jewel-Osco's new mascot, JOJO." said the Space Alien, pointing to  https://www.jewelosco.com/2017/06/jojos-club/ and printing part of it to show your editor.
(Note to Loyal Readers beyond the Chicago area: Jewel-Osco is a large grocery-drugstore chain mainly in Illinois, Indiana and Iowa).

Why wasn't the Space Alien chosen as the Jewel-Osco Mascot?

The Space Alien continued:  "I know I can do a LOT better than that for any company that wants to make me their mascot!  Lots of people think JOJO is pretty scary!  I think I'm a lot more relatable!"

"Well, you are, uh, unique," said your editor, "but we discourage Space Alien Gazette staff from advertising on our pages, and besides, you have a full time job here!"

"You mean you are going to pull my ad?" asked the Space Alien.

"Well, no," said your editor thoughtfully, "although I must take exception to your claim that you are underemployed.  Let's wait and see if any Fortune 500 retailers respond!"

The Space Alien agreed with your editor's "wait and see" proposal and retreated to a comfy nook at the nearest public library with stacks of ancient stories about Odysseus (Greek) or Ulysses (Latin), in which the cyclops Polyphemus, a malevolent giant with one eye in the middle of his forehead, overturned ships and dined on some of the sailors while sealing others in a cave for his future dining pleasure.   All in all it was not such a good time for this ancient crew and their leader.

Cyclops Seals Sailors
in Cave

Cyclops Overturns Ship

Here is a nice little video about this:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nv2d0-dRrHI
You can watch it in under two minutes, but the Space Alien suggests you not do so at bedtime as the Space Alien Gazette cannot be responsible for your nightmares.

You may learn more about this at:
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphemus

Serious classics scholars may learn even more at: http://www.theoi.com/Gigante/GigantePolyphemos.html

The Space Alien Gazette leaves loyal readers with this question:  Will "JOJO" overturn minivans and SUV's in Jewel-Osco parking lots to snack on grocery shoppers or seal them inside supermarkets?

The Space Alien wonders about this and will take appropriate precautions when shopping.

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Breaking News -- July 15 2016:  Your editor, doing her weekly grocery shopping, noted with interest this sign on a subway entrance outside a brand new Jewel-Osco store at the corner of Clark and Division Streets in Chicago.

JOJO lures Customers at a Subway Stop
near a Jewel-Osco store in Chicago

Would JOJO eat some subway riders and seal others in subway cars for later snacks? 

Or could JOJO be induced to graze harmlessly in the Jewel-Osco produce aisles?

Transit planners everywhere are concerned and the Space Alien Gazette will watch this carefully!

The Space Alien Embraces the Saxophone

The Space Alien, exhausted in body and spirit from a seemingly hopeless political quest, and believing that only music could restore a flagging soul, decided to take up the baritone saxophone.

Blessed with an exceptionally powerful physique and enormous wind power, the Space Alien soon managed to coax a sound from this gigantic instrument, but certain that expert instruction would be the best path to mastery, decided to audition with the well-known and highly respected classical saxophone musician, Jeremy Ruthrauff  (Q.V.),  who welcomed the Space Alien to his studio and kindly asked the prospective student to play for him.

Orchestra Hall, Chicago

Maestro Ruthrauff, blown away by the beauty of the few notes the Space Alien produced and recognizing that here was a talent seen but once in a century, proceeded to instruct the Space Alien, carefully nurturing the Space Alien's native talent.  The Space Alien, in turn, embarked on a practice regimen including scales and articulation drills that consumed nearly every waking hour.

The combination of exquisite natural musicianship, superb instruction, and a strong work ethic soon began to bear fruit, and in an astonishingly short time the Space Alien was prepared for a solo recital at Chicago's Orchestra Hall!   Saxophonist Jeremy Ruthrauff was so proud of his student!  And the Space Alien was so grateful to Jeremy Ruthrauff for his outstanding instruction.
To learn more, please  click here.

President Clinton
Applauded a
Fellow Saxophonist!

The Space Alien's friends gathered in record numbers on the eve of the Summer Solstice for their hero's first public appearance on this distinguished stage.

Among the music lovers in the standing room only crowd at Orchestra Hall that night was President Bill Clinton, also a saxophone player, who applauded enthusiastically and brought his own tenor sax along so that the Space Alien could autograph the case.    

President Clinton invited the Space Alien to jam with his jazz group but the Space Alien sadly expressed regret at not yet being sufficiently skilled in jazz improvisation.  "Perhaps next year!" the Space Alien politely told this new fan.  

 click here  
to hear the Space Alien play!

And now, loyal readers, you may enjoy the Space Alien's performance of a moving prelude by Johann Sebastian Bach.  Best known as a work for the 'cello, the Space Alien performs this on a baritone saxophone.  

We hope the Space Alien's artistry will launch your senses on an intergalactic voyage, calming your body and refreshing your soul.  

When you are ready to enjoy three minutes of beautiful music expressing the Space Alien's deepest longings and loftiest aspirations, please click under the picture (and then click on the arrow that appears).  

(If this clip sounds remarkably like the Space Alien's teacher Jeremy Ruthrauff's performance, it is because the Space Alien believes that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!)

This is the Space Alien's Summertime Gift to You!

The Space Alien Accepts a Loss

James Comey Testifies

Your editor had been watching TV the other day as the former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) testified at Senate Hearings, when she learned that the President had appointed Christopher Wray to be Director of that famous law enforcement agency.

Christopher Wray
Appointed 

While this appointment awaits Senate confirmation, it appears that the Space Alien is no longer in the running for this position.

"Uh oh" thought your editor, "the Space Alien was really hoping for that appointment!" (Q.V.).

A Saddened Space Alien
Returns Home

Just then, with a giant "whoosh," the Space Alien, having traveled at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, was home from Washington, D.C., still wearing a fashionable fedora, but now appearing somewhat forlorn.

"I can't believe it," said the Space Alien dispiritedly.  "I knew I was a great candidate for that job!"

"I'm sure you were," said your editor, "but we don't always get what we want."

"Don't patronize me with your trite philosophy!" snapped the Space Alien.  "I need a meaningful job, one commensurate with my outstanding abilities!"

"Well don't snap at me," snapped your editor, "and I'll try to think of one!"

They sat for a moment, each somewhat taken aback by this outburst.

Then your editor spoke:

Carl Bernstein and
Bob Woodard 

"Look, I know you are the publisher of the Space Alien Gazette, so technically you are my boss, but could I suggest that we badly need an investigative reporter?   Someone to look into the dark shadows of public life and keep our loyal readers informed!"

"Like Woodward & Bernstein?" asked the Space Alien.

"Sure!  Just like them!" answered your editor.

Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford

"Could I be in a movie like Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman in All the President's Men?"

"Why not?" answered your editor.

"Who would play me?" asked the Space Alien.

"We can think about that later," said your editor.

"I'd play myself," said the Space Alien "I'm good looking and I'll be a great investigator!   It would be like being the FBI without the Federal Bureau part, right?"

The Space Alien Prepares to Investigate!

"Something like that," murmured your editor, "and look, I have a brand new heavy-duty flashlight for you!'

The Space Alien examined the flashlight carefully.

"Say, this is terrific!  I can really investigate with this!"

"Yes, you can shine it into dark corners and let our loyal readers know what you find!"

So, Loyal Readers, the Space Alien welcomes your leads into secret doings in the corridors of power that cry out for investigation.  You may submit your ideas via the "write us" section in the sidebar.  (If you received this via e-mail subscription you may need to go to the website www.spacealiengazette.com to do this, or simply respond by return e-mail).

All responses received during the month of June, 2017, will be carefully considered by the Space Alien and the entire staff of the Space Alien Gazette.    Did we hear the words "Pulitzer Prize" bandied about?