"Situation wanted: Good looking, charismatic figure, currently underemployed, seeks position as mascot for a major (preferably Fortune 500) retailer. Will travel at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light to attend your company parties, store openings, and children's events. My picture on your store-brand products guaranteed to increase sales. Let the Space Alien up YOUR revenues! Serious inquiries only."
"What IS this?" cried your editor as the Space Alien sauntered into the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.
"I just saw Jewel-Osco's new mascot, JOJO." said the Space Alien, pointing to https://www.jewelosco.com/2017/06/jojos-club/ and printing part of it to show your editor.
(Note to Loyal Readers beyond the Chicago area: Jewel-Osco is a large grocery-drugstore chain mainly in Illinois, Indiana and Iowa).
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| Why wasn't the Space Alien chosen as the Jewel-Osco Mascot? |
The Space Alien continued: "I know I can do a LOT better than that for any company that wants to make me their mascot! Lots of people think JOJO is pretty scary! I think I'm a lot more relatable!"
"Well, you are, uh, unique," said your editor, "but we discourage Space Alien Gazette staff from advertising on our pages, and besides, you have a full time job here!"
"You mean you are going to pull my ad?" asked the Space Alien.
"Well, no," said your editor thoughtfully, "although I must take exception to your claim that you are underemployed. Let's wait and see if any Fortune 500 retailers respond!"
The Space Alien agreed with your editor's "wait and see" proposal and retreated to a comfy nook at the nearest public library with stacks of ancient stories about Odysseus (Greek) or Ulysses (Latin), in which the cyclops Polyphemus, a malevolent giant with one eye in the middle of his forehead, overturned ships and dined on some of the sailors while sealing others in a cave for his future dining pleasure. All in all it was not such a good time for this ancient crew and their leader.
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| Cyclops Seals Sailors in Cave |
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| Cyclops Overturns Ship |
Here is a nice little video about this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nv2d0-dRrHI
You can watch it in under two minutes, but the Space Alien suggests you not do so at bedtime as the Space Alien Gazette cannot be responsible for your nightmares.
You may learn more about this at:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphemus
Serious classics scholars may learn even more at: http://www.theoi.com/Gigante/GigantePolyphemos.html
The Space Alien Gazette leaves loyal readers with this question: Will "JOJO" overturn minivans and SUV's in Jewel-Osco parking lots to snack on grocery shoppers or seal them inside supermarkets?
The Space Alien wonders about this and will take appropriate precautions when shopping.
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Breaking News -- July 15 2016: Your editor, doing her weekly grocery shopping, noted with interest this sign on a subway entrance outside a brand new Jewel-Osco store at the corner of Clark and Division Streets in Chicago.
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| JOJO lures Customers at a Subway Stop near a Jewel-Osco store in Chicago |
Would JOJO eat some subway riders and seal others in subway cars for later snacks?
Or could JOJO be induced to graze harmlessly in the Jewel-Osco produce aisles?
Transit planners everywhere are concerned and the Space Alien Gazette will watch this carefully!