The Space Alien Makes Secret Recordings

The Space Alien staggered into the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette carrying a huge reel-to-reel tape recorder and a bulky old-fashioned microphone.  

"What in the world is THAT?" asked Your Editor.

"I'll be making secret recordings of all my interactions from now on," answered the Space Alien, still trying to catch a breath.   "Everyone is doing it these days and I want to keep in step!"

"But that huge old-fashioned equipment isn't going to be invisible!" exclaimed your editor. "How will you make secret recordings?"

"I've thought of that!" answered the Space Alien.  "I'm learning to hypnotize people so they won't even know it's there!"

The Space Alien picked up a book from a large stack of works on hypnosis.  "If you repeat the same lie over and over enough times lots of people think it's the truth!  Some people call this a form of mass hypnosis.  It makes sense to me, so I'll just hypnotize people by repeating 'there is no recording equipment here; there is no recording equipment here' over and over again!"  

"No!" cried Your Editor.  "You can't just say something that isn't true over and over and expect people to believe it!"

"Oh yes!" insisted the Space Alien.  "That seems to be working with a lot of people these days!" 

And with that, the Space Alien scurried out the door with the heavy tape recorder and microphone.  You may not run into the Space Alien making secret recordings, but if you hear others repeating false statements over and over and find a lot of people believing them, you'll know others have been successfully using the same techniques!   

The Space Alien Writes a Novel

Your Editor found the Space Alien furiously writing with a Waterman fountain pen filled with Sanford's Royal Violet ink.

She waited for the Space Alien to pause before she spoke.

"What are you doing?"  She asked.

"I'm writing a novel," said the Space Alien.  "It's a political thriller and I'm sure it will be a bestseller!"

"It looks like purple prose," said Your Editor, "but what's it about?" 

"Can you keep it a secret?" asked the Space Alien.

"Certainly!" agreed Your Editor.  

"My novel is about the leader of the most powerful country on Earth, yet one giving every appearance of being a semi-literate, divisive, habitual liar who, ignoring the advice of his expert advisors, becomes a slavish toady to the thuggish, murderous head of a third rate dictatorship!   

"Oh my goodness," said Your Editor, "you'll never find a publisher for that!"

"Why not?" asked the Space Alien.  "This novel will have intrigue and danger, and lots of exciting twists and turns!"

"But it makes absolutely no sense!" cried Your Editor.  "Do you know who Mark Twain is?"

"Of course I do!" said the Space Alien.  "Huckleberry Finn is one of my favorite books!"

"Well Mark Twain said words to the effect that the difference between truth and fiction was that fiction has to make sense.*  But your story makes no sense at all.  No one would believe it and no one would buy it."

"Maybe you're right," said the Space Alien.  "I'll write a romance novel instead about a character from Mars in love with another character from Venus!"

"Good," said Your Editor.  "That makes a LOT more sense than what you have here and would surely be a bestseller."

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*Note to Loyal Readers: Words to this effect have been frequently attributed to Mark Twain, and this theme has been discussed in several venues; these are just a few examples:

https://quoteinvestigator.com/2015/07/15/truth-stranger/

http://semanticabyss.blogspot.com/2009/02/difference-between-truth-and-fiction-is.html

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/160206-the-only-difference-between-reality-and-fiction-is-that-fiction

 Your Editor thinks the exact expression may in fact have been from one of her own favorite authors,  Leo Rosten:  http://quotationsbook.com/quote/39963/

However, since it appears that Mark Twain said something along the same lines and considering that he is one of the Space Alien's faves, we'll leave it stet!

Here again, the Space Alien Gazette is your most reliable source for alternative facts!

The Space Alien Gazette is Two Years Old!

Your Editor walked into the gleaming kitchen of the Space Alien Gazette and found the Space Alien putting the finishing touches on a beautiful cake.  

"What are you doing?" asked Your Editor.  

"Today is the SECOND BIRTHDAY of the Space Alien Gazette" answered the Space Alien, "and we must celebrate it properly!"

Two Candles and One to Grow On!

"But why three candles?" asked Your Editor.

"That's two plus one to grow on!" answered the Space Alien.  "And for the good luck that we need in this highly competitive world of modern journalism!"

"It wasn't just luck," observed Your Editor, opening a file drawer full of photos.  "We've earned our reputation for hard-hitting, up to the minute reporting that our Loyal Readers expect, in the tradition of these great journalists!" 

A Few of Many Great Journalists

"I thought this would be a great spread for our Special Birthday Issue" continued Your Editor.  These are just a few of the great journalists we admire here at the Space Alien Gazette!**  But there are so many more!" 

"To honor them all we must continue to offer the hard hitting, up-to-the-minute news our Loyal Readers expect and deserve!" agreed the Space Alien.

"Let's have a nice Kombucha toast to that," said Your Editor, "with a slice of that beautiful cake!"

And they did!

Dear Loyal Reader:  The Space Alien Gazette began publication on July 1, 2016.  To enjoy these early issues please visit www.SpaceAlienGazette.com.

**How many of the great journalists in the picture above do you know?  They are Horace Greeley, Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, Anderson Cooper, W.E.B. DuBois, Dan Rather, Walter Lippmann, Truman Capote, Gordon Parks, Andrea Mitchell, Fredrick Douglass, Walter Cronkite, Seymour Hersh, Edward R. Murrow, Nelly Bly, Mike Wallace, Mike Royko, Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters, and of course, The Space Alien!   Google their names to learn more!

This is not an exhaustive list and many more brave and talented journalists should have been included but the Space Alien accidentally spilled kombucha into a file drawer full of photos and we could not clean them up in time to meet our deadline.  We regret these omissions!

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The Space Alien Aspires to Join the Supremes

Your Editor found the Space Alien in the Space Alien Gazette cloakroom wearing a black robe and posing in front of a full length mirror.

"What in the world!" she cried!

"I'm trying on this judicial robe," said the Space Alien "because I'm going to join the United States Supreme Court and I want to be properly dressed!"

The Space Alien Models Judicial Robe

"You cannot do that!" said Your Editor. "You are not properly qualified, plus you do not even exist!  You are imaginary!"

"This may be true," grumbled the Space Alien, "but I know right from wrong, which may be more than some of these justices do!"

"What do you mean?" asked Your Editor.  

"Just read this!" yelled the Space Alien, angrily waving a copy of an advance sheet with the Opinion in Trump v. Hawaii (and here, Loyal Reader, you may read it as well):

https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/17pdf/17-965_h315.pdf

Or in the news, for example: 
https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/26/politics/travel-ban-supreme-court/index.html


"The dissenting view, that this 'travel ban' against people from certain countries was in fact religious discrimination, made more sense than the majority opinion," said the Space Alien, adding modestly: "if I had been on the Supreme Court I most certainly could have persuaded the others to stop this travesty!"

Then the Space Alien pulled out a slightly edited picture, saying: "This is what the Supreme Court SHOULD look like!"

Space Alien's Suggested Supreme Court Portrait

"Well it doesn't, and it won't be, and I'm just as sad as you are!" said your Editor, "so get out of that black robe and put on your green eyeshade and get back to work!  Our best hope to save Democracy is a vigorous, independent press, and that is what we strive to be here at the Space Alien Gazette!"

The Space Alien Back at Work
Defending your Right to Know!
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BREAKING NEWS -- June 28, 2018: Shortly after this edition went to press, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement.  

The Space Alien will not seek to fill this vacancy personally, but urges all Loyal Readers to call their United States Senators urging them to wait until AFTER the upcoming midterm elections in November to consider candidates for this important position. The Capitol Switchboard at 202-224-3121 will help you reach your U.S. Senators.  

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The Space Alien Responds to a Man-Made Disaster of the ICE Age

Your Editor found the Space Alien hunched over a typewriter working hard on a story for the National News section of the Space Alien Gazette.

"I'm writing about the horrible things happening to children at the U.S.-Mexican border," said the Space Alien.  "Have a  look at my copy so far."

You Editor gasped when she saw these words:

"The President, who infests the White House, met with members of the Congressional leadership who infest the Capitol, and with members of his Cabinet who infest buildings throughout Washington, D.C." 

"You can't write this!" said Your Editor.   "You cannot use the word 'infest' with respect to human beings!"   She picked up a dictionary and opened it.  "Just look; 'infest' only applies to insects or animals!"

"But the President used this word for human beings so I thought I could do that too!" complained the Space Alien.

"No," said Your Editor.  "If humans do not obey the law we have procedures to deal with that, but they were not followed here.  And these families trying to keep their children safe are human beings deserving full respect for their humanity."

The Space Alien reached for an eraser - -"I'm going to correct this, but I want to help these families and especially the children!"  

Your Editor said: "We'll run information on how our Loyal Readers can help!"

"That's a wonderful idea!" said the Space Alien.  "No child deserves this treatment!"

And with that, the Space Alien put on an appropriate cap, packed a first aid kit and some favorite toys, and traveling at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light, quickly reached the children to care for them, cheer them and comfort them.

While the Space Alien is away on this important mission, here are ideas for Loyal Readers who would also like to help!  

RAICES Family Unification and Bond Fund

https://www.texastribune.org/2018/06/18/heres-list-organizations-are-mobilizing-help-separated-immigrant-child

https://www.cnbc.com/2018/06/20/where-to-donate-to-help-immigrant-children-and-families-at-the-border.html

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The Space Alien Visits Machu Picchu

Your Editor was working against an unforgiving deadline to finish a new Space Alien Gazette post for our Loyal Readers, but the Space Alien was nowhere in sight!   What to do?  How could important news be printed without the star reporter?

Suddenly the Space Alien appeared, carrying a heavy oxygen tank!  

"Where have you been, and why are you carrying that oxygen tank?" asked Your Editor.

"I've just returned from the fabulous ruins of Machu Picchu in Peru," answered the Space Alien.  "I'm working on an exciting new article for our Travel Section!  The view was magnificent, but at altitudes of 8,000 feet above sea level I could hardly breathe, so I needed this!"

"I took some fantastic pictures," continued the Space Alien, "but the authorities noticed me.  Since I'm imaginary, I have no passport, and I was afraid they would arrest me!"

"You certainly were in danger!" exclaimed Your Editor, "so what did you do?"

"Luckily a nice tourist saw how sad and frightened I was and offered to bring me home!" answered the Space Alien.  "By remarkable coincidence my rescuer was a Loyal Reader of the Space Alien Gazette.  She said this beautiful pottery bowl was a gift for you!  She was thrilled to meet me, and she hid me inside this beautiful bowl for the flight home!"

"You were lucky!" said Your Editor,  "The authorities might have taken you away forever if they had found you!"

"NO!" cried the Space Alien!  "I've heard about unspeakable things like this happening to little children, and I'm so grateful be here with you now!"

"So am I," said Your Editor. "My friend was so kind and so brave to bring you home safely,  and the bowl is indeed beautiful.  But how did you manage to fit inside?"

"No problem," answered the Space Alien.  "When you are imaginary, size is relative!  You should try it sometime!"

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The Space Alien Gives Your Editor a Birthday Gift

As Your Editor woke up to yet another birthday, it seemed to her as if she'd had one just yesterday!  "Why do my birthdays seem to come so thick and fast these days?"  she wondered.

Then she noticed a beautifully wrapped gift box!
And there was the Space Alien, smiling happily!


"It's your birthday so I got you a gift!" said the Space Alien.  "I hope you like it!"


Your Editor quickly opened it and found a stuffed toy bearing remarkable resemblance to the Space Alien!

She gave stuffed toy a hug and turned to the Space Alien:  "This is amazing!" she cried.  "Why, it even looks something like you!"

"Oh, I'm probably much better looking," answered the Space Alien modestly, "but see, it's a handy neck pillow because sometimes you tell me that I'm a 'pain in the neck' and this could help!"

"It will certainly come in handy," said Your Editor, "But how did you buy it?"

"Well, you know I am imaginary and can't get my own credit card, so I used yours.  But I COULD have gotten a LOT more money!"

"Really?  How?" asked Your Editor.

"A highly placed individual offered me LOT of money for 'insights' into how you make decisions about stories in the Space Alien Gazette!  I think this individual wanted me to influence you in some way, and I could have gotten a LOT of money for that!"

"You didn't accept that, did you?" asked Your Editor, horrified at the thought.

"Of course not!" answered the Space Alien.  "I make all of these decisions anyway!  You just get the grammar and spelling and punctuation right -- at least you do most of the time.  But we both want the Space Alien Gazette to observe the very highest standards of journalistic integrity, and no amount of money could change that!"

"I'm so proud of you!" exclaimed Your Editor.  "Your kindness and integrity are the very best birthday gifts of all!"

The Space Alien gave a happy nod of acknowledgment, and then scurried back into the kitchen, emerging with an enormous birthday cake!

"Happy Birthday!  I made this cake for you early this morning!"

"It's beautiful!" cried Your Editor.  "Your cakes are legendary and they are always so delicious!  But why just three candles?"

"Well, we almost burned the house down with all those candles last year, so this year I'm playing it safe!" answered the Space Alien.

"I guess you're right," said Your Editor.  "At my age I suppose it's safety first!"

"Your words, not mine," murmured the Space Alien, scurrying to bring plates and forks, as well as some lovely flowers.  "But now let's sing 'Happy Birthday' and enjoy a nice piece of cake!"

And they did!

Editor's Note: The Space Alien's gifts last year were well-documented. If you have not already read that post, the Space Alien highly recommends doing so now at: http://spacealiengazette.blogspot.com/2017/05/the-space-alien-celebrates-your-editors.html

Birthday Flowers!
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The Space Alien Visits the Art Institute

The Space Alien decided to visit the Adler Planetarium in Chicago  to study astronomy, but instead of taking the 146 Bus to the Planetarium, accidentally hopped aboard an early morning 151 Bus and headed for the Art Institute of Chicago.  

Riding the bike rack on the front of the bus was convenient and gave the Space Alien a chance to greet passersby who were thrilled to catch a glimpse of the Space Alien!

The Space Alien aboard the 151 Bus

 The Space Alien met a friend on the Art Institute steps.

The Space Alien Greets a Friend

Despite missing the Adler Planetarium, the Space Alien was able to study astronomy by examining the famous painting Starry Night, by Vincent Van Gogh. "I never saw stars like this before!" exclaimed the Space Alien to the friendly guard standing nearby.

The Space Alien Studies Astronomy

It was also a thrill for the Space Alien to meet and to have the ear of the artist Vincent Van Gogh. What exciting tales they shared with each other.

The Space Alien Shares a Secret

Vinnie (as the artist urged his new friend, the Space Alien, to call him) told the Space Alien that the current occupant of the White House had asked the Guggenheim Museum in Washington D.C.  to lend him a Van Gogh painting, and that the Guggenheim Museum had responded with an offer to lend a "solid gold toilet," about which you, Loyal Reader, may read at * below.    

(The Space Alien found this in terrible taste, but in the interest of keeping Loyal Readers fully informed, feels obliged share it on these pages.) 

All in all it was an inspiring but somewhat overtiring day for the Space Alien, who found a nice place to take a nap in the peaceful galleries of the Art Institute.  What a cozy room this was!  The Space Alien's new friend Vincent Van Gogh was so kind to share it!

The Space Alien Takes a Nap in Vincent Van Gogh's Bedroom 

While relaxing, the Space Alien reflected on this exciting day.  Sometimes even mistakes can have wonderful outcomes!  

All too soon it was time to go home, and the same bus that brought the Space Alien to the Art Institute was waiting outside the door for the return trip!  

By now it was quite late, so the Space Alien rode on the roof hoping to catch a glimpse of the same stars seen by Van Gogh.  Unfortunately Chicago smog trumped starry nights so this was not possible. 

The Space Alien Rides Home on the 151 Bus

The Space Alien recommends visiting the Chicago Art Institute -- or an art museum in your city.   You will find all sorts of treasures there, and you may even catch sight of the Space Alien!

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*https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/dc-politics/the-white-house-wanted-a-van-gogh-the-guggenheim-offered-a-used-solid-gold-toilet/2018/01/25/38d574fc-0154-11e8-bb03-722769454f82_story.html
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